What to Say and What Not to Say to a New Mom
Becoming a new Mama is one of the most beautiful and equally hardest parts of a woman’s life. She may take to motherhood right away and be a pro at absolutely everything. Props to that magical woman! Most of us have struggles, as we are new at this and learning as we go. Regardless of the books you read or research to you do or advice you get, nothing can fully prepare you for your unique experience as a new parent. From sleepless nights, to breast feeding, to diaper changes and spit ups, motherhood is not as glamourous as it appears in the movies. But it truly is a wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing!
As a first time Mama, I have had many highs and lows simply from what people have said or done for me during some of the most trying times in the early stages. Some people really don’t think before they speak (a dying skillset we should really encourage to come back) or they simply forget what it is like and are not delicate enough with us. At the same time, there are many who do try to be gentle with us new Mamas and it can be so helpful, even from the most simple comment or task.
Here are some do’s and don’t I can contest to from my early days as a new Mama.
Tell her she looks great.
We feel like crap, we look haggard, we are exhausted and our hair is a mess. Our priority is no longer on ourselves as it is now on this tiny little human we have brought into this world. We are challenged everyday. Being told that I looked great, post birth and still swollen, not even able to attempt to lose the baby weight, was such a kind thing to hear and really appreciated. Even if we don’t believe it at the moment, the fact someone has said it can go a long way.
Tell her how amazing of a mom she already is.
Again, we are learning as we go and question ourselves if what we are doing is right or okay. Saying this to a new Mama will reassure her that she’s got this! She was meant to be a mom and is already rocking it.
Offer to bring over food or to cook for her and the family.
What a difference this made for our family when my son was first born. Bringing over a meal to share, or to freeze for later. Muffins or cookies, snacks of any kind. Ensuring the water jug is full in the fridge or baking bread at our house. All of it is beyond helpful to new parents whose last thought should be “what’s for dinner?”. I had pre-made and froze meals in our freezer that lasted us about 2 weeks, but I hadn’t even considered breakfasts or snacks in that mix. To the family, friends and neighbours who brought us food, thank you. You kept us nourished while we navigated this new life of ours.
Offer to clean something in the house, or do some laundry.
Every little bit helps. Dusting, a quick sweep, doing the dishes, it all helps the parents from having to do it (and look at it any longer). Chores are the least of our worries as new Mamas. As much as it pains me to say, it is true. Having a cleaning schedule helps with this, but also is the last thing on our minds.
Do not comment on how the house has gotten messy or the laundry has piled up.
Our priorities are now on clothing, feeding and changing diapers. Not getting to mop or vacuum for a couple days is a neglected chore we can accept. But it is welcomed with open arms when someone offers to assist with it. Especially baby laundry and bottle cleaning, just do it for the new parents, they will be forever grateful. And side note for the mamas: even if the cleaning is not how you would personally do it or up to your crazy standards, accept that it has been done. One less effort you will have to make in this moment.
Don’t tell her she looks tired.
Umm… duhhh! Of course she is tired. And will be tired for quite some time. She is navigating feedings through the night, juggling diapers, housekeeping, trying to do the most basic things, all with a baby attached to her most often. Likely, even when she is sleeping, she is waking up checking on this new baby to ensure their safety. She does not need to be reminded that she also looks tired. This is not a compliment.
Do not comment on her body.
Days after having my baby boy, I had a family member ask me “is there another one in there?”. Allow me to make one thing very clear, postpartum is hard enough to then be made to feel bad about our bodies that just carried this beautiful baby for 10 months and is still swollen and healing. We do not magically morph back to our pre-pregnancy bodies, as cool and amazing as that would be! Making comments about how much weight someone has gained, or that they still look pregnant post birth, shut up! Seriously, keep your mouth shut. You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such a thing.
Do not compare her to other moms or the baby to other babies.
With every exciting moment we witness and achieve with our babies, the last thing we want to hear is that so and so’s baby did it sooner, or your kid did it differently, blah blah blah. Please allow new parents to enjoy all of the firsts and applaud them when they happen, versus comparing. It is not fair and truly, it isn’t right. It diminishes the enjoyment and the milestones for this baby. Social media makes us compare way too much as it is, lets not start doing it as early as birth for these new babies in this world.
Do not question a mothers method of feeding her child.
This can be such a sensitive subject. I personally struggled with breastfeeding, yet that was the only method I had in mind going into motherhood, formula was not an option. I quickly learned, breastfeeding doesn’t come easy to all of us and sometimes, for the better mental health for the mother, and the health of the baby, supplementing is required. There is nothing wrong with this, fed is best. I will be the first to admit, I was stubborn headed on this subject, until I became a mother. I always agreed with mothers making whatever choice they wanted in feeding their child, but I didn’t understand it until I experienced it. To all the breastfeeding mamas, formula feeding mamas, pumping mamas, 50/50 feeding mamas and tube feeding mamas, you’re doing a great job!
Be kind, be gentle, be sensitive to new Mamas. They are doing their best at all times. Running on fumes, barely eating or drinking enough, desperate for a shower, we have all had those days of needing help. As hard as it can be to accept, you don’t have to do this alone. You are still amazing, strong and resilient. That is not reduced when allowing some help to come in.
Melanie xoxox