My Breastfeeding Journey
Disclaimer: This post is going to be very honest and raw and not for the faint of heart. I am going to tell all the nitty gritty details about my experience with breastfeeding my son and all of the emotions that came along with it.
Before I had my son, I will be honest, my husband and I were both anti-formula. Not that anyone else’s decision to bottle feed their children was wrong in anyway, we were just stubborn about how we would feed our own child. I was determined and dead set on strictly breastfeeding our baby and there was no getting around it. Don’t bother flooding my head with formula chatter as it was simply not an option for us and not needed information. Well… boy was I wrong!
I look back at it now and realize how hard headed I was. I couldn’t comprehend anyone not even trying to breastfeed. It is the most natural and nutritional source for these tiny little babies. It seemed almost selfish and weak to not try or give up easily on it. Sadly, I couldn’t be convinced otherwise.
When my son was first born, after having an emergency C-Section, while I did get a moment with him on my chest right after he was taken out of me, I was taken to a recovery room and my son was taken to a separate room where luckily my husband got to have some one on one bonding time with him and skin to skin. It wasn’t for too long before my midwife brought my son, Calum, in to see me and try breastfeeding for the first time.
Brief backstory here, with my C-Section, came an epidural and more intense freezing and numbing of my lower body. Well, that numbing came up through my body, into my chest and my arms. For reasons unknown, I could move my arms but had no feeling in them and no real control of their movements. So when Calum was brought in to breastfeed off me, my midwife was thrilled to see he latched immediately, but I couldn’t feel it to know what it meant for him to be properly latched. This was, what I think to be, the beginning of my struggles.
During my recovery in the hospital and Calum’s first day or so of life, I had the assistance of the nurses and midwife to help me with his breastfeeding needs. We were all learning together, myself, our son Calum and even my husband. What to look for, the signals of a good latch, of a good feed, how to hold him, how to correct him. It is a lot of information to absorb while dealing with a surgery recovery and grappling with being a first time parent.
Over the next 4 weeks, we learned so much about breastfeeding methods and techniques. Before Calum was born, I took 2 breastfeeding courses online, but nothing can fully prepare you for the real experience. I worked with my midwife team, spoke with my doctor, I had a lactation specialist, I was prescribed a special nipple ointment for my severely damaged nipples after bad latches and being used as a soother by a newborn. It was a lot. All while sleep deprived and not knowing for sure if my child was being fed enough.
It was scary to struggle so much and not have our baby gaining weight. It is concerning to everyone involved and we have to check our egos at the door because at the end of the day, a fed baby is best. Because of my desire to strictly breastfeed, we tried everything before introducing a bottle. I was pumping around the lock while attempting to breastfeed. We bought ready made mini formula bottles (that were bloody expensive) to attempt tube feeding to both the nipple and by finger. This is where you use a small medical tube and put one end into the formula bottle and the other end next to your nipple so the baby is getting fed but also associating this satisfied feed to being on your nipple. Not easy to coordinate! Or you can use the same method but instead of to your nipple you use the tip of your finger into their mouth to mimic your nipple.
After 4 weeks of this, and our son only slowly gaining weight and way too many visits back to our midwives an hour away for weigh-in checks, my husband and I had the long talk about introducing bottles of formula. This did the trick and Calum began to gain weight, sleep better, and became a much happier baby.
I continued to pump and breastfeed and we provided formula for when my milk supply couldn’t keep up with his demand and occasional cluster feedings. Calum would breastfeed very well before bed, in the night and first thing in the morning, but often wouldn’t have the patience throughout the day.
As time went on, my supply became less and less and frustrating for both Calum and myself. I started to expend my pumping sessions, power hours of pumping, whatever I could to increase my milk supply and over time was resulting in less and less amounts.
I breastfed my son for 5 months. While it was a fight from the very beginning and I struggled and cried and beat myself up over the whole situation, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was a bond and experience with my baby boy that I will cherish forever and learned so much from.
With all that being said, I have gained such a different outlook on the baby feeding experience. Every situation is different, every baby is different, every mother is different. At the end of the day, fed is best, that is all there is to it.
Melanie xoxox