What My Anxiety Has Caused Me To Do
Anxiety is a topic I tend to tread lightly on. Publicly, I am not announcing my history or current status with anxiety, yet I am not ashamed to discuss it when it comes up. It is something I live with, I typically have it under control, and I have learned coping mechanisms along the way.
I was diagnosed with anxiety around 20 years old. I went to my doctor to talk about what I was describing as “adult temper tantrums”. I would get these intense times of complete break downs, filled with rage and would cry and feel out of control of my own body. It felt irrational, and so necessary all at the same time. I had always experienced sensations like this, over thinking behaviours and how people interpreted me, but it took me becoming an adult before I could recognize what was happening and that this didn’t feel right.
I am not medicated for my anxiety, nor do I feel it would be a necessary route to take for myself at this time. But with that being said, if you are experiencing any of this and do want help, I highly recommend talking to your doctor about it and seeing what your options can be. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
While everyone’s anxiety experiences and levels are different, here are some of the things I can say have been caused due to my own anxiety.
Lack confidence. I still question so much about myself and my decisions and truly, who I am. I have become quite self aware over the past ten years, but this took some serious work and did not happen overnight. Internal battles are part of the package with anxiety and while I still deal with this, I can attempt to turn it off now, versus letting it take over my entire day.
Imitate other laughs. This is a weird one, I can admit that, but I started noticing myself doing this when I was a teenager. Especially in new situations with new people or when I am uncomfortable, I adapt to another persons laugh and laugh the same as them. It’s almost as if my body is saying “this is the only way to get people to like you, is if you laugh just like them”. Wrong. Totally wrong. But it just happens to me and I never mean for it to. I don’t do this nearly as often now, but it was a constant battle within myself in years past. So if I have ever laughed like you and it takes you by surprise, I am not mocking you, I am simply trying to fit in.
Respond when someone calls me by the wrong name. I freeze whenever this happens and rarely speak up to correct the person if I do not know them well. And usually this happens because you don’t know the person at all and it would be important to correct them. I have done this mainly in business or professional situations when I feel less important or whomever has done it is more powerful or more superior than myself. This isn’t fair to me, and it isn’t even fair to the person making the mistake. My lack of confidence is making this more awkward for when the correction does need to be made and makes me look weak, which I am not!
Try to be more likeable with bad things, like alcohol. I used to drink too much in situations that made me uncomfortable because I was trying to loosen up and be more likeable. I’ll let you in on a little secret, this is not the answer! Substances are not the way to fit in, being yourself is. You should never have to do anything to “fit in” and if the situation is being presented that way, get the heck out of there. It is not worth it. These things can become habit forming and that false personality that comes out will become an expectation of who you are and to keep up with it is just not the way to go about friendships or relationships.
Jump to irrational conclusions, but to me they feel so real. I think as women we tend to naturally do this, but when you mix in anxiety, it is amplified. The internal dialogue we create is lethal. It is unhealthy. It is dangerous and exhausting. The what ifs and then what’s. It often doesn’t even make sense. And we could never say them out loud because then we are simply crazy. We’re not, but we sure would seem so.
Replay scenarios in my head, over and over again. Things I wish I had said. Ways I wish I had approached it. How I could have fixed that by doing this, saying that, being someone else…. none of it will help, so just stop! It’s these things that will drive us mad. Life is unexpected. It is not always going to be perfect. Human error is natural. Feelings get hurt. We go through seasons of life with different relationships, friendships and coworkers. It is the circle of life, we need to roll with the punches and not beat ourselves up for mistakes that happen or when others act a certain way. We can only control ourselves and how we react. Questioning everything isn’t helping anyone, especially not you in your own thoughts.
Anxiety is sadly very common and often goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Anxiety attacks can be debilitating. Medication isn’t for everyone, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. We can only help ourselves, when we are ready for the help and this can take some of us time to realize it. It is a controllable disorder, but it takes a heck of a lot of work. I still have my battles with it. There are times I want to shut away and disappear for a day or so. But I am a Mom now and that is simply not an option. But seeking help and finding hobbies and healthy ways to handle it is so important. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you have anxiety. But there is growth that can occur, and with that, can be some pretty beautiful life lessons and realizations.
Melanie xoxox