Why “I’m Here For You” Can Be Hard to Accept

We hear it all the time, from many people. The kind, yet notorious “I’m here for you.”. Or phrased “I’m here if you need anything” or “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” and in many other shapes and forms. But here’s the thing, this can, more often than not, feel more like a fed line over a genuine offer. It’s like asking “How are you?” and responding with “good, how are you?”. It’s all just a scripted, preset, cliché that we tend to say to be kind and start up a basic conversations. And in all fairness, we all do it! We all say these things out of manners and simple human interaction. There is nothing wrong with it all.

But the difference lies in when it is needed and necessary to mean what you say. When I became pregnant for the first time with our son, I would hear those famous words “Let me know if you need anything.” over and over again. I learned very quickly who I could actually rely on to stand up to this offer, and who I could not.

I am often asked why I don’t ask for more help, especially as someone who solo parents quite often. It is because I have been let down and disappointed more often than I have actually been shown any graceful assistance. I have family members who repeatedly say they will be there for me, and while sometimes in the past they may have been, it’s often only when it is convenient for them or within their timing, versus when I actually need it.

It can be hard to not get defensive or disappointed when someone you rely on quite often can’t be there during certain times, especially when you have become accustomed to it, but that is not fair to them, because they are allowed to have a life outside of my needs or my wants. It’s just, when you only have a select few you can go to, and they are not available, it becomes very loud and clear how everyone else, especially those you thought you’d be able to have in your corner, have deeply let you down.

This doesn’t discredit anyone’s previous efforts. Kindness should always be acknowledged, but when it fizzles out, or is taken advantage of, we all know that feeling of needing to step away. Different seasons in life can show different people you can call upon. Those who do show up, are always there when it truly matters, and continue to show up without question. This is also why it can be so painful to accept when someone you used to expect to be there, isn’t anymore.

I too have been that person for others at different stages of my life. But as I have gotten older, become a wife and mother, I have been burned enough times by now to know who deserves it and who doesn’t appreciate the effort put in. There is a vast difference between needs and expectations. If it is expected of us to be the reliable one, it is less desirable for us to fulfill. To be honoured with that duty for someone who truly appreciates it, versus getting a thank you as a scripted line; we can always sense the difference. It can take time to see it clearly, sometimes years or decades, but it all becomes clear eventually.

There is a fine line and a struggle internally when I hear “I’m here for you.”. My instincts tell me to not accept, out of fear of it not being a real offer, out of past disappointments from people I truly thought meant it, and out of concern of becoming deeply resentful for the chance of being let down, yet again. It has become ingrained in me to just do it myself, figure it out, handle it, because I always have. Since I was little, my own parents have always said, “She will figure it out.” even when it was challenging, scary and hard to see through the mess. I always have, and I always will, but sometimes it is nice to have someone help me out along the way.

And please don’t get me wrong, I do have love and support, who do show up when I need it. I have married into an incredible family, I have friends who have become my chosen family and I am deeply appreciative for those I do have in my corner. And those who I can no longer rely on, while I am still hurt by their lack of participation, I don’t hold it against them. Life changes, locations change, illness, addictions and many other scenarios come into play with the loss of those options. While hard to understand, sometimes even hard to accept, it happens. Life goes on.

We can be our own worst enemy and push away the help we so desperately need out of past hurt feelings. We are only human. We learn lessons through life that create boundaries and put our guards up. We can also open the door to new options of love and support, it just may take time to let those guards back down. I have learned to no longer allow certain people to disappointment me. While they still may find new ways to create that feeling deep inside me, I will never allow them to put me in the same predicaments as before. We can all learn from Dr. Maya Angelou, who famously said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”.

Melanie xoxox