This New Role Called Motherhood

Please note: This post was written in the in-between time of starting my maternity leave and before my son was born. He was a week late and I had been told my entire pregnancy my baby was likely going to come early (talk about mind games). My emotions and hormones’ were at an all time high and I was struggling with this new role I was about to take on, being someone’s Mommy.

Since then, while I still have my moments with emotions and exhaustion, I am in a far better head space and love and adore my role as Mommy and wife.

Late September 2022:

I’m at a complete loss in my identity all of a sudden.

Who am I?

Housewife? Stay at home mom? A mother? Am I still me?

I have always been a working woman. Even when I was in between jobs, I was on this serious hunt to find my next one. I always had a focus and a vision of being in the working world. A career woman.

You’d think the pandemic would have given me a glimpse at the staying home life, but the truth is, I probably worked harder during the lockdowns and stay at home mandates for my job because I had fewer interruptions.

I create these lengthily lists of to-do’s, yet I find myself just staring at them and doing nothing at all. Diving into a useless Netflix show and thinking up my next snack.

This should be my time to shine. Prepare, plan, organize, get my shit together before this baby comes. I have so much to complete around this house as our renovations continue and house tasks require attention all around me, yet I cannot bring myself to be motivated enough to do so. And then I panic at the end of the day about how I wasted so much time and should have, could have, done so much more.

Emotionally I am unstable. It’s not just hormones, although those aren’t helping. It’s this feeling of being lost. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom. A wonderful wife. And while I know I can be both and be damn good at this, I am equally terrified. What if I actually suck at this?

I have spent so much time and put so much effort into reading books and articles and research and asking questions to midwives and doctors and dieticians and nutritionists and yet I still feel so unprepared. I am told by everyone that I will figure it out and you learn as you go, but as someone who thrives on a plan, that’s actually terrifying to accept.

Change can be hard. Accepting a new identity can be hard. Even when deep down inside, I know I was meant for this. I was built for this. I can do anything I set my mind to. I just usually battle these thoughts quietly when changing career paths, or moving towns. This full blown identity change is a first and I will figure it out. I know I will, right after I have a good cry. Being pregnant is hard, especially at the end.

Melanie xoxox